I started this site because I kept hearing the same thing. At my cocktail parties, at dinners, in DMs from strangers. People would say some version of: “I don’t really have close friends anymore.” Not sad people. Not loners. Normal, busy, interesting adults who just… lost touch with everyone.
It happened so often that I started collecting the research. I wanted to understand why so many people felt this way. And what I found was a real crisis hiding in plain sight.
This is everything I’ve learned about the friendship recession. The data. The causes. And most importantly, what you can actually do about it.
What Is the Friendship Recession?
The friendship recession is the long, slow decline in close friendships among adults. It’s been building for decades. But it hit a tipping point around 2020.
The term shows up in research from the Survey Center on American Life, in books like Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone, and in a growing pile of studies that all say the same thing: Americans have fewer friends than at any point in modern history.
This isn’t just a feeling. It’s measurable. The number of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled since 1990. It went from 3% to 12%. That’s millions of people with nobody to call when something goes wrong.
And it’s not just happening here. Researchers in the UK, Japan, and Australia are all tracking similar patterns. The friendship recession is global.
I wrote The 2-Hour Cocktail Party because I saw this problem up close. People wanted more friends. They just didn’t know how to make it happen as adults.
The Numbers
Here are the stats I come back to most often. These are from surveys I trust.
Close friendships are shrinking:
- 49% of Americans report having three or fewer close friends (American Enterprise Institute, 2021)
- 12% say they have no close friends at all. That number was 3% in 1990
- The average American hasn’t made a new friend in five years
- Time spent with friends dropped 37% between 2014 and 2023, according to the American Time Use Survey
Young adults are struggling the most:
- 22% of adults ages 18-29 report zero close friendships
- Gen Z reports the highest loneliness rates of any generation in Cigna’s loneliness surveys
- Young men are hit especially hard. 15% of men report having no close friends, up from 3% in 1990
The loneliness connection:
- The U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic in 2023
- Roughly half of U.S. adults report measurable loneliness
- Loneliness carries the same health risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad meta-analysis, 2015)
I collected even more data in my post about the friendship recession statistics. And my breakdown of Bowling Alone covers the longer-term trends going back to the 1960s.
Why It’s Happening
There’s no single cause. But a few big forces keep coming up in the research.
We Moved Online
Social media promised to connect us. In some ways it did. But it also replaced the kinds of interactions that actually build friendships. Commenting on someone’s photo is not the same as sitting across from them at a table.
Americans now spend over 7 hours per day on screens. That time has to come from somewhere. And it’s mostly coming from face-to-face socializing. Between 2003 and 2020, time spent with friends in person dropped by almost half. Screens filled that gap. I wrote about this trade-off in Put Down Your Phone and Make a Friend.
Texting helps you maintain friendships. But it can’t replace the in-person stuff. The research on this is clear: phone calls and video are better than texting. And being in the same room beats everything.
We Move More and Stay Less
Americans move an average of 11 times in their lifetime. Every move resets your social network. You lose your regulars at the coffee shop. Your gym buddies. The neighbors you used to wave at.
Building a friend group from scratch takes real effort. Making friends as an adult is genuinely hard. There’s no automatic social structure like school or college to do the work for you.
Work Took Over
Americans work more hours than workers in any other wealthy country. And remote work, while great for flexibility, removed one of the last places adults regularly bumped into each other.
The office wasn’t perfect. But it gave people a reason to see each other five days a week. That kind of repeated, unplanned contact is exactly what friendships need to form. Sociologists call it “proximity” and “frequency.” Without those, friendships rarely start.
And it’s not just hours at work. People commute less, eat lunch alone more, and skip after-work drinks. All those small moments that used to create casual friendships are disappearing.
The Pandemic Made It Worse
COVID didn’t create the friendship recession. But it accelerated it by years. Lockdowns broke routines. Group gatherings stopped. Social skills got rusty. And a lot of people never fully reconnected after things reopened.
A 2022 study found that 59% of Americans said their social lives hadn’t returned to pre-pandemic levels. Two years after lockdowns ended. People built new habits during COVID. Working from home. Ordering in. Staying on the couch. Those habits stuck.
The New York Times explored why the loneliness epidemic is so hard to cure. It’s one of the best pieces I’ve read on this topic. The short answer: once you lose social momentum, getting it back takes deliberate effort. Most people don’t know how to make that effort. Or they feel embarrassed trying.
Who’s Most Affected
The friendship recession hits some groups harder than others.
Men. This is the group I write about most on this site. Men report fewer close friends than women at every age. They’re less likely to have someone they can call in a crisis. And cultural norms around masculinity make it harder for men to be emotionally open with each other.
Richard Reeves at the Brookings Institution has been tracking this closely. Men’s social networks have been shrinking faster than women’s for decades. And the stats on men’s friendship recession are striking. I’ve also written about why it’s so hard for men to make close friends, why men lose their friends, and why men need more friends.
Young adults. People in their 20s and 30s are experiencing the worst of it. They left the automatic social structures of school and haven’t built replacements. Younger adults report the steepest friendship declines. And they’re also the generation most likely to substitute online interaction for in-person connection, which doesn’t fill the same need.
People without college degrees. Education level is a big predictor of social connection. Adults without a four-year degree have fewer close friends, participate in fewer social activities, and report higher loneliness. I explored this in The Friendship Divide.
Rural Americans. Physical distance matters. When the nearest friend is a 30-minute drive away, casual hangouts become a logistical project. You can’t just pop over for a beer. Every hangout requires planning and driving. And that friction adds up fast.
The Health Impact
This isn’t just about feeling lonely on a Friday night. The friendship recession is a health crisis.
The U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory put it bluntly: social disconnection carries health risks on par with smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity. That’s not a metaphor. It’s backed by decades of research.
Physical health effects:
- 29% increased risk of heart disease
- 32% increased risk of stroke
- Weakened immune system and higher inflammation
- Disrupted sleep and higher cortisol levels
Mental health effects:
- Higher rates of depression and anxiety
- Faster cognitive decline in older adults
- Greater risk of dementia
- Increased stress and emotional exhaustion
I think about this a lot. Friendships are like exercise. You don’t notice the damage from skipping it until it’s been too long. And by then, getting started again feels overwhelming.
What You Can Do About It
Here’s the good news. The friendship recession is fixable. Not at the societal level overnight. But for you, personally, right now? You can start today.
I think about this through a concept I call IRL surface area. It’s simple: the more you show up in person, the more good things happen. More conversations. More invitations. More random connections that turn into real friendships. You increase your surface area for friendship by being present in physical spaces with other people.
Here’s what actually works:
Host Something
This is my number one recommendation. Don’t wait to be invited somewhere. Be the person who brings people together. It doesn’t have to be fancy. A weeknight dinner for six people. A walking group. A happy hour.
When you host, you become the connector. People start introducing you differently. “Oh, you have to meet Nick. He’s the guy who hosts those parties.” That identity shift changes everything.
Join Something With Regularity
Friendships need repeated contact. That’s why school worked so well. You saw the same people five days a week without trying.
As adults, you need to recreate that. A weekly pickup basketball game. A book club. A volunteer shift. The activity almost doesn’t matter. What matters is showing up at the same time, in the same place, with the same people. Men especially build friendships side-by-side, through shared activities rather than face-to-face conversation.
Follow Up Within 24 Hours
You meet someone interesting at an event. You have a great conversation. And then… nothing. You both go home and forget about it.
The fix is simple. Text them the next morning. “Hey, I really enjoyed talking with you last night. Want to grab coffee next week?” That’s it. Most people won’t do this. Which is exactly why it works so well when you do.
Say Yes More
When someone invites you to something, go. Even if you’re tired. Even if you don’t know anyone. Every time you show up, you’re increasing your IRL surface area. You’re putting yourself in position for something good to happen.
I went through a phase where I said yes to every single invitation. It was exhausting. But it worked. I met my wife because I forced myself to go to Barton Springs on a day I almost stayed home working. The compound effect of showing up is real.
Use Technology to Get Offline
Technology isn’t the enemy. But it’s a tool, not a replacement. Use group chats to plan meetups. Use apps like Meetup or Eventbrite to find local events. Use social media to stay in touch between hangouts.
The goal is always the same: get in the same room as other people. Everything else is just logistics.
It’s Worth the Effort
Friendships don’t just happen in adulthood. You have to be intentional. That can feel weird. It can feel like you’re trying too hard. But the alternative is worse.
I’ve talked to hundreds of people about this. At parties, through DMs, on podcasts. The ones who turned things around all did the same thing: they stopped waiting and started initiating. They hosted a dinner. They joined a group. They texted first.
You don’t need a ton of friends. Research says three to five close connections is enough for most people. But you need some. And you need to maintain them.
If you want to go deeper on any of this, I’ve been writing about it here for a while. My personal take on being part of the friendship recession. The loneliness of only speaking to your postman. How to survive the friendship recession as a man. What a guys trip taught me about male friendship. And the surprising history of how men used to be with their friends.
Start small. Text an old friend today. Say yes to the next invitation you get. Or host something yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to happen.
And if you want more like this, sign up for my Friends Newsletter.
Sources
- American Enterprise Institute, Survey Center on American Life (2021)
- U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on Social Connection and Loneliness (2023)
- Holt-Lunstad et al., “Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality” (2015)
- Cigna Loneliness Index (2020, 2022)
- Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey
- American Psychological Association