My friend Jonathan’s bachelor party in Mexico City changed how I think about male friendship. Three days. Shared meals every morning. Gym sessions. Walking around the city together.
I didn’t expect it. But all that time together brought us closer. Not just with Jonathan. With everyone in the group. I consider those guys friends even today, several years later.
It wasn’t one big moment. It was the inside jokes at breakfast. The long walks between restaurants. All that time added up. So when I read about a writer named Tom Vanderbilt who had a similar experience, I had to share it here. The research behind it explains why trips like this work so well.
A Pickup Soccer Group That Became Real Friends
Vanderbilt is a 50-something introvert. He moved to Madison, New Jersey and didn’t know anyone. That’s a tough spot to be in. We talk about this a lot on this site. The friendship recession hits hardest when you’re starting over somewhere new.
But then a neighbor invited him to play pickup soccer.
He showed up. And he kept showing up. The group started calling themselves “Madison Soccer and Beers.” It wasn’t just soccer. They added cookouts. Mountain biking. Paintball. The activity kept expanding because the friendships kept growing.
Then they planned something big. A trip to Mexico City to play against a similar team down there. 15 guys in an Airbnb together.
That’s exactly the kind of thing that builds real bonds. I know because I lived it on Jonathan’s bachelor party.
The 40-60 Hour Rule
Here’s why these trips work so well.
Jeffrey Hall, a researcher at the University of Kansas, found that it takes 40 to 60 hours of time together to become casual friends. Think about that. 40 hours! That’s a lot of hangouts. But on a trip, you can hit that number in just a few days.
For closer friendships, the numbers are even higher. Hall’s research says it takes about 80 to 100 hours to become real friends. And over 200 hours to become close friends. That sounds like a lot. But a three-day trip with shared meals, activities, and downtime easily covers 40+ hours. You’re compressing months of casual hangouts into one long weekend.
Hall also says something that stuck with me: “All relationships require risk.”
It’s risky to say yes to a trip with people you don’t know that well. It’s risky to spend three days in close quarters with a group. But that’s where the magic is. Making friends as an adult is hard precisely because we avoid that risk.
And Hall points out something else. For older guys, “it’s not developmentally typical to be spending a ton of time with your friends, without partners, without children.” Society tells men that once you’re married with kids, your friend time is over.
That’s wrong. And trips like these prove it.
Friendship Is Good for Your Health
It’s not just about feeling good. There are real health benefits.
Researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad has found that social connection affects your body. The more you feel supported by your social network, the lower your blood pressure. The lower your resting heart rate.
And here’s the part I love. Even casual friendships count. You don’t need a best friend to get the health benefits. You just need people around you who you connect with. The guys from a soccer group. The guys from a bachelor party. It all adds up.
The research on in-person friendship and health is clear. Texting and video calls help. But being in the same room, sharing meals, doing activities together? That’s where the real health benefits come from. Your brain responds differently when another person is physically present.
Why Trips Work Better Than Hanging Out
Regular hangouts are great. But trips compress time in a way that normal life can’t.
At home, you see a friend for two hours. Then you go back to your life. Your phone. Your routine. The connection is real but it’s thin.
On a trip, you’re together for 12+ hours a day. You share meals. You navigate problems together (“where are we eating tonight?”). You see each other tired and grumpy in the morning. You share inside jokes that only make sense if you were there.
All of that builds trust fast. It’s why military friendships are so strong. It’s why college friends stay close for decades. Shared intensity creates bonds that casual meetups can’t replicate.
Men lose their friends partly because they don’t invest that concentrated time. A guys trip once a year can do more for a friendship than monthly dinners. Both are good. But the trip is where the real deepening happens.
What You Can Do
Hall’s advice is simple. And I agree with it:
- Find a group with a shared interest. Soccer, biking, cooking, board games. Pick something you already like doing.
- Show up week after week. Consistency is what builds friendships. One hangout won’t do it. You need those 40-60 hours.
- Plan a trip together. It doesn’t have to be Mexico City. A weekend camping trip works. A cabin rental. Even a day trip. The point is extended time together without the usual distractions.
- Take the risk. Say yes to the invite. Be the one who suggests the plan. Don’t wait for someone else to organize it.
- Host something. You don’t need a trip to start building connection. Men build friendships through shared activities. A weeknight cookout, a Saturday morning hike, a poker night. Any excuse to get people in the same place counts.
It’s Worth the Effort
Vanderbilt’s soccer group had a great trip. They’re already planning next year’s.
And I think about those guys from Jonathan’s bachelor party. We didn’t plan to become friends. We just spent enough time together that it happened naturally.
That’s the whole secret. Put yourself in the room. Stay in the room. And come back again next week.
(Related: Side-by-Side: How Men Actually Build Real Friendships and Treat Your Friendships Like Exercise)
Source: Tom Vanderbilt, The New York Times (March 2024)