I stopped waiting for invitations years ago. Somewhere around my late twenties, living in New York City, I realized that complaining about having no social life while sitting on my couch wasn’t a strategy. So I started hosting.
Not fancy dinner parties. Not Instagram-worthy brunches. Simple gatherings at my apartment with a few bottles of wine and a guest list I actually thought about.
That one decision changed my social life more than anything else I’ve tried. I wrote a whole book about it. It’s called The 2-Hour Cocktail Party. And the core idea is simple: don’t attend bad events. Host great ones instead.
If you’re reading this site, you probably already know that we’re in a friendship recession. The stats are rough. But I don’t want to just document the problem. I want to help fix it. And hosting is the best fix I know.
Why Hosting Works Better Than Joining
When you show up to someone else’s event, you’re the new person. You don’t know the dynamics. You’re scanning the room for a friendly face. You’re hoping someone talks to you.
When you host, you flip all of that. You’re the one making introductions. You set the tone. People come to you. You’re not auditioning for a friend group. You’re building one.
I call this idea “IRL Surface Area.” The more people you meet in real life, the more chances you have for something to click. Hosting is the most efficient way I’ve found to expand that surface area.
Think about it. If you host a small gathering of 15 people once a month, you’re meeting dozens of new people a year. Some won’t stick. But some will. And you only need a few to stick to have a completely different social life.
There’s another thing about hosting that nobody talks about. It changes your identity. You go from “person who sits at home” to “person who brings people together.” That shift matters. People start thinking of you differently. And you start thinking of yourself differently too.
The Formula
I’ve hosted hundreds of events. And after years of trial and error, I landed on a formula that works. Here’s the short version:
- 15 people is the sweet spot. Enough for multiple good conversations. Small enough that everyone gets introduced.
- Host on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. Weekends are packed. Midweek nights have less competition. People are actually available.
- Keep it to 2 hours. Start at 7pm. End at 9pm. A hard stop makes people feel safe saying yes. And ending on a high note means they’ll want to come back.
- Use name tags. I know, I know. But name tags are an equalizer. No one has to awkwardly ask “wait, what was your name?” for the third time. Everyone’s on the same team.
- Keep it simple. You don’t need fancy food. You don’t need a theme. Drinks and light snacks. That’s it. The conversation is the entertainment.
I go into all of this in much more detail in the book. But you don’t need a book to get started. You just need a date, a guest list, and the willingness to try.
Who to Invite
This is where most people get stuck. They think they need to already have 15 friends to host a party. You don’t.
I use a concept I call “core group plus great guests.” Your core group is 3-5 people you already know and like. Reliable people who will show up and be friendly. They’re your social anchors.
Then you fill the rest with “great guests.” These are people you’ve met once or twice. Colleagues from work. Someone you chatted with at a coffee shop. A neighbor. The person from your gym who seems cool. You’d be surprised how many people say yes when you invite them to a small gathering.
One tip: go for occupational diversity. Don’t invite 15 people from the same office. Mix it up. A teacher, a nurse, a software developer, a chef. Different backgrounds make for better conversations. And good conversation starters help everyone find common ground fast.
The Secret Weapon: Icebreakers
I run icebreakers every 25-30 minutes at my parties. I know that sounds awkward. It’s actually the opposite.
Here’s what happens without them. People clump into small groups with the one person they already know. Nobody branches out. Half the room never meets the other half. You end up with a bunch of small conversations that could’ve happened anywhere.
A simple icebreaker fixes this. I’ll gather everyone together and ask something like “what’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” Green-level stuff. Nothing too personal. Nothing weird. Just enough to give people a reason to talk to someone new.
The energy in the room changes instantly. People laugh. They learn something surprising about each other. They discover they have things in common. I’ve watched two strangers bond over both being obsessed with pickleball within 30 seconds of an icebreaker round.
Real Stories
I’ll tell you about Tyler Vawser. Tyler moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, and knew almost nobody. He read my book and started hosting cocktail parties using the formula. Small gatherings. Name tags. Midweek nights. The whole thing.
Within a few months, Tyler had a real social circle. But here’s the part that blew my mind. He got his next executive job through someone he met at one of his own parties. A guest knew about an opening and thought of Tyler first. That’s the power of making friends as an adult. Connections lead to opportunities you can’t predict.
My own story is similar. I used to be terrible at parties. I’d show up, stand in a corner, and scroll my phone. Seriously. I was that guy. So I decided to try hosting instead of attending. My first events were rough. I got caught mid-shower when my first guest arrived early once. But I kept going. And those awkward little parties eventually led to Museum Hack, a multimillion-dollar business built entirely on connections I made through hosting.
I met my wife because I said yes to a random invitation to swim at Barton Springs here in Austin. I showed up. I talked to a stranger. I asked “are you guys friendly?” which is a weird thing to say. But it worked. The whole thing worked because I put myself in a position to meet someone new. Hosting does the same thing, but on your terms.
Start Smaller Than You Think
Not every gathering needs to be a 15-person cocktail party. You can start way smaller.
Invite two people over for coffee on a Saturday morning. Organize a walk with three friends. Set up a happy hour after work with four colleagues. Text someone you haven’t seen in a while and say “want to grab dinner this week?”
The bar is low. Treat your friendships like exercise. You don’t need to run a marathon on day one. You just need to start moving.
I’ve talked to so many people who feel paralyzed by the friendship recession stats. They read that half of adults didn’t make a new friend last year and think “that’s just how it is now.” It’s not. You can change it. But you have to do something.
Your Move
Pick a date three weeks from now. Text five people and invite them over. Don’t overthink it. You can serve chips and beer. The point is showing up for each other.
If you want the full formula, check out The 2-Hour Cocktail Party. And if you want more like this, sign up for my Friends Newsletter.
Hosting is how I rebuilt my social life. It might work for you too.