I’ve hosted hundreds of parties over the past decade. And one pattern shows up every single time: men arrive alone, leave alone, and rarely exchange numbers.
Women walk in with friends. They make plans for coffee during the event. Men? They talk about work, sports, weather. Then they vanish.
This isn’t just my observation. There’s real data behind the friendship recession. And it hits men harder than anyone wants to admit.
The Statistics Are Brutal
Chris Lyford’s recent piece in Psychotherapy Networker lays out numbers that shocked me:
- Between 1990 and 2021, the percentage of men with at least six close friends fell by half
- One in five single men now have zero close friendships (that’s a 5x increase since 1990)
- Only 20% of men received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared with 40% of women
- Nearly half of men report feeling unsatisfied with their friendships
- Loneliness can shorten life expectancy by up to 30%
- Men comprise nearly 80% of suicides
- The male suicide rate is nearly four times higher than for women
- 98% of mass shooters over the last 50 years were male, with social isolation identified as the most important external indicator
Read those numbers again.
This isn’t about being a little lonely. This is a public health crisis.
What Happened to Male Friendships?
Lyford’s article traces something I’d never learned in history class. Male friendships used to look totally different.
Before the 20th century, men shared beds. They wrote deeply emotional letters to each other. They weren’t afraid to say “I love you” to their male friends. I wrote a whole post about this history. It’s wild how different things used to be.
Then industrialization happened. Homophobia campaigns ramped up. And suddenly, male intimacy became suspicious.
Boys got conditioned out of close friendships through what experts call a “hierarchical, dominance-based system.”
Psychologist Niobe Way spent four decades studying adolescent male friendships at NYU. Her research shows that young boys start out craving deep connection with other boys. But by the time they’re teenagers? That desire gets buried.
Mark Greene, author of Remaking Manhood, puts it this way: “All men carry deep-seated memories of friendship with other boys.”
That memory is still there. It just gets trained out of us.
The Real Cost
Lyford’s piece includes interviews with psychotherapist Robert Garfield, who wrote Breaking the Male Code. Garfield has been treating men for decades.
One statistic jumps out: nearly two-thirds of heterosexual divorces are initiated by women.
Why? Often because men expect their wives to be their only emotional support. That’s not sustainable. It’s not fair to partners. And it leaves men completely isolated when relationships end.
I’ve seen this play out with guys who come to my events. They went through a divorce. Their whole social life revolved around their wife’s friends. And now they’re starting from scratch at 40 or 50 with no idea how to make a new friend.
The article also references that viral SNL “Man Park” skit from 2021 (over 5 million views). It’s funny because it’s true. We need designated spaces just to remind men how to be friends.
That shouldn’t be a joke. But it is our reality.
What You Can Do
Lyford’s article isn’t all doom and gloom. He includes practical advice from experts and from men who’ve rebuilt their friendships:
Be intentional. Friendships don’t just happen anymore. You have to make them a priority. Treat them like exercise. Schedule them. Show up even when you don’t feel like it.
Tell friends what you think and feel. Not just facts about your day. Actual emotions. This is hard for a lot of men. Start small. “I’ve been stressed about work” is a perfectly good starting point.
Schedule regular meetups. Backpacking trips, monthly dinners, whatever works. Put it on the calendar. A guys trip can change your perspective on what male friendship can look like.
Engage in both activities AND conversations. Don’t just watch the game. Talk during halftime. Ask real questions. Men build friendships side-by-side, through shared activities. But the conversation matters too.
Practice vulnerability. Start small. Share something you’re worried about. See what happens. Most guys are desperate for someone to be real with them. You just have to go first.
Follow up after difficult conversations. If a friend opens up, check in the next day. That follow-up matters more than the original conversation.
I’d add one more thing from my own experience: host something. Invite people over. Make it easy for them to say yes. I wrote a whole book about this called The 2-Hour Cocktail Party because I believe creating these opportunities is the first step.
And don’t underestimate the power of just reaching out. I used to walk up to strangers in New York City and say “Hey, what’s up, are you guys friendly?” It sounds crazy. But it works. Because you have to be a real jerk to say no to that.
This Matters
The friendship crisis affects everyone. But men are drowning in it.
We can’t fix this alone. That’s the whole problem.
If you’re a man reading this, reach out to someone today. Text a friend you haven’t talked to in months. Ask how they’re really doing.
If you know a man who seems isolated, invite him to something. Don’t wait for him to ask.
The data is clear. The stakes are life and death. But the solution is simple.
We just have to do it. Start today. One text. One invitation. One real conversation where you actually say how you’re feeling. That’s enough.
(Related: Why Men Lose Their Friends and How to Make New Ones and Men’s Friendship Recession Statistics)
Source: “In Search of The Great Male Friend” by Chris Lyford, Psychotherapy Networker (March 2024)